I had a vague sense of when this day would come, but not a definite date.
I had a vague sense as to how I would "show" the video to my Mom. Her and my Dad were unable to come up to see me perform this time around.
Maybe I'd post the video on my Dad's Facebook wall with a message "Show to Ma" and then call them the next day.
Maybe I'd try to coordinate a "viewing". Calling down there, not having the call answered, and playing phone tag for a bit before finally getting a hold of one of them. My Dad would get his IPad and try to play the video for my Mom as she laid on the couch. I'd be on the phone with one of them as this was happening - who though? Probably my Dad. And he'd say something like "shit" at certain points. Not like a we are in trouble kind of "shit", more like that just happened. I don't know, does that make sense? There would likely be technical difficulty while viewing it as well.
The Facebook updates that I was posting about my Mom's progress were sanitized. There would be no death march down to see her. There would be no grieving the living, if I could help prevent that. I do not regret any of it.
My Mom though, she's crafty. From her vast medical knowledge and being able to, with pin point accuracy I've been told, describe what she was feeling, where and to what degree, to being able to persuade her oncologist not to let on to any of us just how bad it really was.
And, it was bad.
And, I know why. I can say that now. She didn't want us grieving her for living. She didn't want us marching to a date, that may or may not have come.
She wanted to go to Disney and spend time with her family. She wanted to see her grandchildren and have her entire family together. And, she got that.
We found out after the fact just how much pain she was in. We found out after the fact a whole lot of things. She was one tough broad.
But, I tried listening for those tells. Those little slips when I was speaking with her for an insight to what was really going on. There was a gut feeling that this was not all it. But, man, she was good.
My Mom may not have been able to view this performance. But she knew.
It would have been really cool to have been able to sit down with her and watch this video. The fact that it never got to happen does not change anything.