I do not want my son to suffer this.
It is not fair.
It's not as easy as just jumping into the car and driving the 8 hours north to pay his respects and hopefully receive some sort of peace. It's marred in complexity by decisions and choices that his father has made over the past two years...the past 15 years if I am really being honest with myself.
...and it sucks
Everything in me wants to be with him right now, and yet, I'm not.
And I'm not saying that I haven't made any mistakes, I'm not perfect, but there was this internal shift that occurred when I had Cody, when I became his mother - he was it. Everything else was placed on hold, and it was all about him and his well-being, and protecting him. It still is.
That shift has yet to occur in his father.
So, it was my husband and I who sat Cody down on Monday evening and told him the news. He had returned from a Boy Scout camping trip the day before, exhausted and still needing to finish a research paper, and he was done. He was not equip to hear it, process it, absorb it. We decided to wait.
His father felt that including him on the text my husband and I received last Thursday was good enough. I realize he is grieving, but this is not about him. It's about Cody. Thank goodness Cody didn't have his phone.
We also decided that my husband should take him on the 8 hour trip to the UP. I would have had to bring Chris and Will with and would not have been able to invest the time and attention that Cody would need. I would not have had my full senses.
That was hard to let go of. I know, though, that no one else in this world has Cody's back more than me than my husband. That Cody will be safe and I have to let go at this point. But, I will breath a sigh of relief this evening when I hear that they are back in their hotel after the wake. I will be in an even better place Thursday when they are both home.
This morning my husband left the house with a "Don't worry, I got this!" wink, nod and kiss on the forehead as he grabbed Cody and said "Let's roll" as if leaving for a heist. I'm comforted in knowing that I have done everything that I can to ensure Cody's safety on this trip.
I have asked for prayers, good vibes/mojo and any and all other spiritual goodness to be directed towards him during the next 36 hours.
I have mothers stretching for miles doing this with hearts full and I am so grateful for this.
I am exacting an emergency landing state and taking care of myself so that I can take care of Cody when he returns.
So, right now we are all in a holding pattern here. We are waiting for updates of well-being. We wait for them to return. We wait to normalcy to come back to our home.
If you too could keep Cody in your positive thoughts and prayers, it would be greatly appreciated. I don't know how 14 year old boys grieve, but I'm sure that it looks a little something like this.