Thursday, May 22, 2014

It Feels Like Nothing

{May is Postpartum Mood Disorder Awareness month.}

To this day I feel pangs of sadness and guilt over the current relationship that I have with my second son, who is 9 years old.

The effects associated with postpartum depression did not stop when my son turned 1 years old.

The effects associated with postpartum depression did not stop when my son started walking, or talking, or started kindergarten.

I felt nothing when he was born - nothing.

And, how sad is that?  To sit here, 9 years after his birth and admit to feeling nothing.

After being diagnosed with PPD at my 6 week check up I was prescribed an anti-depressant, which I took.  It decreased my milk supply and I was unable to continue nursing.  This event added to my extremely low self worth.  I mean, I felt nothing towards my son and now, now I couldn't even nurse him.

I wasn't his mother and I wasn't a woman.

I sought the help of a psychologist, I still see her.  Because that feeling of nothing, it still rattles around inside me.  It's not as all consuming.  It lingers, though.  I know that it is there because it shows itself sometimes.

And, well, my son had absolutely nothing to do with any of this.  He did not cause me to feel nothing towards him.  He was not the cause of the need for medication or professional help.

It was, and still is, me.

And I don't say that in a shaming way.  I own that, all of it.  Because it is up to me to make sure that I attempt to be the mother he deserves for these 24 hours.  All I have is this day.  Sometimes though, I need to break that down even smaller...hour by hour.

I have to take care of myself so that I can take care of him.

And, neither of those are really easy things for me to do most days.  But, I'm learning (quite slowly I feel) to let go of things that really aren't that important in order to allow time to take care of myself so that I can be the mother that my son deserves.  The mother he needs.  Because he really is a good kid, he's pretty fricking awesome, actually.  I just really want to be able to feel something towards him.


  1. He IS a good kid, and you ARE a good mom. The image of a mother who is all-consumed with her children isn't a real one (or a healthy one, either). Please keep giving yourself the same grace that you would extend to a friend. If I were struggling, would you hold it against ME? Be your own best friend, always. And I totally understand different levels of nothingness...


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