Friday, April 6, 2012

Let Me Tell You!

I think that every drunken argument I've ever been in has started with that statement.  Lucky for you I'm not drunk, nor have been for....well, a long time.  I think a decade.  Whatever, enough about my non-drinking self.  Today was a tough emotional day for me.  One of those draining of mommyness type of days.  As you may have read, I got my heart broken a few weeks back.  Oh, and I should probably warn you that this is one of THOSE OTHER posts...one where I don't talk about our week or homeschooling or anything along those lines. 
I'm a fan of taking responsibility for my actions.  It sucks some times, especially when I am in the wrong and have to clear that.  I think that by doing the hard stuff and stepping up and righting wrongs we allow ourselves to grow and learn - it allows constant change to occur, which is a really good thing.  I know that I am so not the person I was like 20, 15 or even 5 years ago.  Because I've moved on, moved forward and grown. 
Today, Cody had to grow and grow in a very hard and difficult way.  But there was really no other way around it, closure was needed.  Closure that would allow him to move on.  He needed to step up and take responsibility for his wrong actions and clean his side of the street - and he did.  I'd like to say I'm proud of him, the circumstances to why this all came about are not allowing me to do that now (doesn't mean that I won't, just not now...still processing).  What I am, though, is pleased.  But, let me tell you, I am still very heart broken.  He's not my little baby anymore.  He's 12.  12 going on like 20 and that is scary as hell for me.  Cutting the apron strings pops into my head, I'm all fine with cutting the apron stings if I was reassured that the tools to which I have equipped him to deal with life were enough.  I question that.  Question where I have gone wrong as his mother, what haven't I done more of.  What he is lacking and desperately trying to fill.  And that filling, those things that he is going after to make himself feel whole, holy shit!  That is what scares me.
Tonight I am resolved with knowing that streets are clean, nothing is hanging over anyone right now and there will be no surprises.  Tonight I want to grab him tight and hug him and reassure him that he is enough and to mend my heart.   

2 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) 12 is a hard age. My 12 year old acts 35 one minute, and then 2 the next. She wants to much responsibility, but is so irresponsible. And then wham. She does something so mature, I know adults who can't be that mature - all in about a 37 second span (or so it feels).

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  2. Taking responsibility is a huge thing--because mistakes will absolutely be made and the only way to grow or learn from them is to own them. I said this (just a few minutes ago, because I'm running so far behind on blog visiting) on the original post, but try not to be so hard on yourself. It's good to look at where you feel you might have dropped the ball a little or whatever (and lord knows I still lay awake at night agonizing and my youngest is 17 now and they've mostly turned out to be fine, upstanding young adults), but the important thing to remember is that your son is becoming more and more his own person and there is a limit to how much control you will have and there is a limit to what you can "teach" someone--so many, many things have to be learned the hard way. Wisdom is not an heirloom vase that can be handed down from one generation to the next. Each generation has to create their own vase.

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