I think that every drunken argument I've ever been in has started with that statement. Lucky for you I'm not drunk, nor have been for....well, a long time. I think a decade. Whatever, enough about my non-drinking self. Today was a tough emotional day for me. One of those draining of mommyness type of days. As you may have read, I got my heart broken a few weeks back. Oh, and I should probably warn you that this is one of THOSE OTHER posts...one where I don't talk about our week or homeschooling or anything along those lines.
I'm a fan of taking responsibility for my actions. It sucks some times, especially when I am in the wrong and have to clear that. I think that by doing the hard stuff and stepping up and righting wrongs we allow ourselves to grow and learn - it allows constant change to occur, which is a really good thing. I know that I am so not the person I was like 20, 15 or even 5 years ago. Because I've moved on, moved forward and grown.
Today, Cody had to grow and grow in a very hard and difficult way. But there was really no other way around it, closure was needed. Closure that would allow him to move on. He needed to step up and take responsibility for his wrong actions and clean his side of the street - and he did. I'd like to say I'm proud of him, the circumstances to why this all came about are not allowing me to do that now (doesn't mean that I won't, just not now...still processing). What I am, though, is pleased. But, let me tell you, I am still very heart broken. He's not my little baby anymore. He's 12. 12 going on like 20 and that is scary as hell for me. Cutting the apron strings pops into my head, I'm all fine with cutting the apron stings if I was reassured that the tools to which I have equipped him to deal with life were enough. I question that. Question where I have gone wrong as his mother, what haven't I done more of. What he is lacking and desperately trying to fill. And that filling, those things that he is going after to make himself feel whole, holy shit! That is what scares me.
Tonight I am resolved with knowing that streets are clean, nothing is hanging over anyone right now and there will be no surprises. Tonight I want to grab him tight and hug him and reassure him that he is enough and to mend my heart.